I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
