i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
