Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
