i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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