if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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