theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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