i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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