i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize