Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
