it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
