final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
