yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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