Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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