my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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