I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
