We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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