you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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