Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
