I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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