he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
