Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
