I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
