wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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