SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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