Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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