Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
