Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
