I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
