Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
