i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
