...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i will never coherently bang her
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
