I got chris browned last night
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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