Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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