I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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