Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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