I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
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