I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
