Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
