You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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