i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
