Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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