I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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