I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
