why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
