Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I don't deserve a penis
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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