Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
