so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
