If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize