weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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