sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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