Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
