I haven't been this sober since birth.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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