Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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