I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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