So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
