Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
