I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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