There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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