I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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