if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
