Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
