Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
