My nipple is on Facebook.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
