I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
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Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
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Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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