I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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