I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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