I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
