Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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